Putting it to words

I don't really know how to write about my experience. It has always been difficult to put to words, which is just another reason why the whole situation continues to truly suck. I always used to take to writing as a sort of therapy. Don't get me wrong, my therapist helps me too, but writing has such an intimate quality. Writing always gave me the ability to be introspective and expressive simultaneously. It has been so hard write about something as traumatic as what I went through in the summer of 2014. It also doesn't help that I'm not at the end of my taper yet, and that my taper (the only way out of this mess) has hurt my relationship.

What

the

fuck?


I hear about people struggling with mental illness on a regular basis. I cannot ignore that people have serious problems that were not borne out of some moral failing. I also cannot ignore that all manner of psychotropic medication has saved lives.  But I also recognize that this is way more complex than many, many people will realize or admit. People want to end stigma surrounding issues like depression and anxiety, and who am I to say that those people are wrong? I don't believe that people should just suck it up, but here's the rub: depression, anxiety, other forms of mental illness are all recognized by the medical profession. What happened to me and countless others still remains largely invisible*, which only adds insult to injury.

Did I have anxiety and trouble with negative thinking before this journey? You bet. Do I still have it? Yes, but about different things now. I have anxiety about not knowing what will happen when I stop taking this pill. I think negative things about the people in my life who don't understand, although I have come to realize that it must be a baffling thing to hear about or see. I wouldn't have believed myself that a few little pills could affect the entire central nervous system in such a negative way. That a few lousy milligrams can still make a difference. But they can and do. And although that's unfortunate, it's just where I am right now. At least I can work. At least I can think about other things. At least I have a network of people like me who understand what I've been through and,to an extent, what I am still going through. I'm so immensely grateful for that.

The words "side effects" should make people think of nausea, not "and I was sitting there on the floor sobbing, wondering what it would be like to be dead." That is precisely why the effects of benzodiazepines, particularly from withdrawal, are anything but "side" effects. Reacting to a benzo or its withdrawal in this way is not guaranteed, In fact, many people do not experience the hellish merry-go-round that myself and many others were forced to ride. But many people also do not experience a mental illness or cancer or a lot of devastating things, and somehow other people are able to sympathize and hear someone else out. Even just an "I dunno, man. That must be really hard. I'm sorry you went through that" seems to be more than some people can muster. People get more sympathy when their hamster dies.

A little piece of my soul died when I began to feel the deleterious effects of alprazolam. I don't wish that experience on anyone, but I do wish people were able to at least give that a sympathy nod. It's very hard to understand it if you haven't been through it, but if you inform yourself and just try, that is more than most people can seem to muster.

It is not psychosomatic.
It is not a mental illness.
It's neurological.
It could have something to do with genetics.
It really fucking sucks.

It's hard to write about but I do think it's necessary. I'll get out of these woods someday.


*Thankfully more people are shedding light on this epidemic such to the point that the British Medical Association has paid attention. https://vimeo.com/188181193

Long time no post

Hi there!

Been a while...

I haven't used this blog nearly as much as I thought I would. I might start a different blog in which to vent about personal problems, but I do think this blog has its place to educate! So, without further ado, a good bill:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2AsWFxS5SQ&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop


This Massachusetts bill would require that people in MA receive informed consent about the dangers of benzodiazepines and "Z" drugs (sleeping pills). The bill would also require that anyone CHOOSING to go off of these drugs (no more mandatory cold turkeys!) be given a safe, reasonable taper plan. The taper schedule has some worried that maybe what will be interpreted as "safe" will still be too fast, but I think even the possible awareness of withdrawal syndrome is really positive.

And speaking of awareness... a new independent documentary sharing the stories of people coming off tranquilizers such as benzos and sleeping pills is in the works. Check it: http://www.asprescribedfilm.com/

This bill and documentary both show promise that even in our increasingly prescription drug saturated society, real change is possible.

Love and wellness,
A

The A Word: Akathisia

I was going to wait before posting another blog so soon. I wanted to brainstorm and research some topics further, but then I saw the video posted at the end of this post and I couldn't help but bring it to light. Before I go on, one more disclaimer: I am not against psychiatric medication, but I am for informed consent. Anyone should be able to make informed choices regarding their own health. Having said that, here I explain a devastating and terrifying feeling.

Akathisia is an all too little talked about reaction to psychiatric medication and a symptom of psychiatric medication withdrawal.

It's very hard for me to write about this. I rarely ever talk about experiencing the symptom while suffering between doses of alprazolam because it's a traumatizing thing. I call akathisia the "A word" because it is that scary, and I didn't even suffer to the extent some others have suffered.

Imagine feeling fidgety at first, suddenly you can't sit still, but it's not just that. It is an unrelenting feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. You want to scream. You can't concentrate or sit down long enough to watch over five minutes of a television show. You think about death constantly. You are constantly anxious... You are irritable, agitated with loved ones, exercising often makes it worse because your heart is already beating so fast it feels like you're already running. Sometimes contorting yourself in strange positions gives you temporary relief, but you have to lay completely still. You research these symptoms and find out what it is, but you don't know what to do. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it doesn't, and there's no telling when this unbearable feeling will end. It is awful. People end their lives because of this disabling effect.

So I had to share this video today when I saw it:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfW5L5II-jY

The nonprofit mentioned in the video is called MISSD. I will most likely be donating to the organization tonight or tomorrow. How many more people have to die because they weren't warned? How many people have to feel invalidated because the general public or doctors are unaware of this horrifying feeling?

It's just a shame. A damn shame.

Welcome!

For whatever reason, I chose today to start this blog. Maybe it's because I'm finally fed up enough. Maybe it's because there has been much going on in the news about mental illness (gun control debates, the murphy bill, the awful story of David Stojcevski who died in jail, etc.). Or maybe it is because October is dedicated to those who have been injured by psychiatry. Or maybe it's all the #MedicatedandMighty stuff. All I know is this: when a topic or a story has two sides and one side is nearly totally invisible, it's important to bring that side's issues to light.

Before we get started I'd like to add some disclaimers: In no way do I advocate for someone to abruptly (or ever) come off of any medication that should be tapered. I am also not offering medical or legal advice, merely my own (and some other voiceless others') experiences and some studies which do show certain risks of psychiatric medications.  I am not affiliated in any way to Scientology, which many people use as a scapegoat to discredit those who have had bad experiences with psychiatry. I am also a real person, not a troll. I also am not "crazy" or a person who is "non-compliant." I am also not an addict, never abused my medication, and have no history of abusing drugs or alcohol. 


So who am I? I'm a girl who has had some anxiety over the course of her life, who, without meaning to, let it get out of hand to the point of becoming so desperate that I took prescribed alprazolam (generic for Xanax), in the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines, to try and get some sleep after being awake for 48 hours straight. I had taken it before maybe 4 times total in my life and been just fine, so I didn't think I had cause for worry. I also wasn't on it for very long before it caused some very scary symptoms after, under a doctor's care, I was told I could simply half the pills every 3 or 4 days. I was told twice by two separate doctors I would not get "addicted" because I didn't have that "personality" (they were right about that - I didn't get addicted, just dependent). I will delve deeper into my story in a post or two.

For any law nerds out there: I also want to add my own background in the study of law to the mix, perhaps analyzing legislation that restricts the rights and autonomy of people with psychiatric diagnoses (i.e.the Murphy Bill), certain guardianship laws, evidentiary standards (particularly the Daubert standard, etc.) But don't worry, I won't get too law school on you guys.

Please be kind. Please be respectful. Please don't give advice unless it is asked for. Please continue reading.

Love,
A